trauma.betrayal.lost.dirty.angry.
scared.sad.stupid.lame.imperfect.
wrong.unknown.confused.guilty.hurt.
shocked.fucked.damned.gloomy.moody.
fear.paranoid.disgusted.sick.bruised.
spoilt.touched.violated.empty.wronged.
constricted.worried.violent.mad.disturbed.
nightmares.no,trust.no,control.tarnished.sorry.
..............................dots.....................................
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
Saturday, August 12, 2006
my life analysis
~i just broke up with brian. several reasons to this. from the start, i knew we were two extremes. in terms of maturity level, education, family background, ideals in life, socially etc, we're miles apart. despite knowing all this, i gave my heart into the relationship 100% until this year when i started to view my life more seriously. then, we slowly drifted apart, and i admit to infidelity a few times. all the while, i stuck with him thinking tt all guys are bastards n will never fail to cheat their gal, all except brian. tt much i gave to him. to me brian=loyalty n if he was the only one who could assure me tt there was noone else, he is who i wanna be with till the end. to my shock, i found out he was secretly in contact with certain gals n exchanging msgs of affection. this may not equal to the times i cheated on him, but to me, it was cheating enough. i never accept anything below perfection. i'm not angry, neither am i sad. all i feel is betrayed and i blame myself for trusting. in this one and a half yrs with him, i've accomplished and learnt quite a few things.
1)i helped made another person's life more colourful (whole new perspective).
2)i know now that all guys are bastards (yes, including him).
3)i learn who i am and my goals in life (see below)
4)i realise i want to be single for a long time to come (at least till after degree).
5)gals should stick together no matter what (the guy is always wrong, sorry to those gals).
6)i deserve someone better.
~in assessing and analysing our relationship, i discovered what some of the traits i want my guy to possess are. i know it's almost impossible. but this is the ideal one mapped out in my mind. i may settle for someone slightly less, but never extremely majorly less. here are some things of my ideal man.
1)To view education as important either for the benefits or for personal satisfaction.
2)To be earning either closely or slightly similarly to me in future.
3)To be a family man who adores his parents & siblings and will never put them in second place.
4)To be loyal and never cheat.
5)To be honest in whatever he does.
6)To share and have similar ideals in life.
7)To be courteous and have good social etiquette.
8)To be able to connect intellectually and maturedly.
9)To exchange and share important things in life with each other so tt we both grow together.
~i've also figured out the direction in my life. currently taking my degree in psychology followed by masters in aussie. also taking my driving license. taking one step at a time. slowly, but surely i'll get there. here are some of my lifelong dreams.
1)To be a successful psychologist specialising in child psychology.
2)To attain the highest education standard (PHD) and to be recognised as Dr. Laura J.
3)To write and publish a book.
4)To travel to every part of the world.
5)To start an organaisation called, specialising in helping females suffering from mental illnesses. 6)To continually upgrade myself by taking courses such as dance, pottery, languages anually.
it's my dream to fulfil all these that i want for in my life and i'll do anything possible within my means to attain my goals. cheers and hope u guys achieve yr goals too.
1)i helped made another person's life more colourful (whole new perspective).
2)i know now that all guys are bastards (yes, including him).
3)i learn who i am and my goals in life (see below)
4)i realise i want to be single for a long time to come (at least till after degree).
5)gals should stick together no matter what (the guy is always wrong, sorry to those gals).
6)i deserve someone better.
~in assessing and analysing our relationship, i discovered what some of the traits i want my guy to possess are. i know it's almost impossible. but this is the ideal one mapped out in my mind. i may settle for someone slightly less, but never extremely majorly less. here are some things of my ideal man.
1)To view education as important either for the benefits or for personal satisfaction.
2)To be earning either closely or slightly similarly to me in future.
3)To be a family man who adores his parents & siblings and will never put them in second place.
4)To be loyal and never cheat.
5)To be honest in whatever he does.
6)To share and have similar ideals in life.
7)To be courteous and have good social etiquette.
8)To be able to connect intellectually and maturedly.
9)To exchange and share important things in life with each other so tt we both grow together.
~i've also figured out the direction in my life. currently taking my degree in psychology followed by masters in aussie. also taking my driving license. taking one step at a time. slowly, but surely i'll get there. here are some of my lifelong dreams.
1)To be a successful psychologist specialising in child psychology.
2)To attain the highest education standard (PHD) and to be recognised as Dr. Laura J.
3)To write and publish a book.
4)To travel to every part of the world.
5)To start an organaisation called, specialising in helping females suffering from mental illnesses. 6)To continually upgrade myself by taking courses such as dance, pottery, languages anually.
it's my dream to fulfil all these that i want for in my life and i'll do anything possible within my means to attain my goals. cheers and hope u guys achieve yr goals too.
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
Self Concept
i was doing research for my social psyche, regarding self concept and i came across these inspiring quotes to ponder on. really remarkable and so refreshing, its like adding a new dimension to what you know. enjoy...
It has become something of a cliche to observe that if we do not love ourselves, we cannot love anyone else. This is true enough, but it is only part of the picture. If we do not love ourselves, it is almost impossible to believe fully that we are loved by someone else. It is almost impossible to accept love. No matter what our partner does to show that he cares, we do not experience the devotion as convincing because we do not feel lovable to ourselves.
~~Nathaniel Branden, The Psychology of Romantic Love
In order to get at any truth about myself, I must have contact with another person. The other is indispensable to my own existence, as well as to my knowledge about myself.
~~Jean Paul Sartre
If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn.
If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight.
If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy.
If a child lives with shame, he learns to feel guilty.
If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient.
If a child lives with encouragement, he learns confidence.
If a child lives with praise, he learns to appreciate.
If a child lives with fairness, he learns justice.
If a child lives with security, he learns to have faith.
If a child lives with approval, he learns to like himself.
If a child live with acceptance and friendship, he learns to find love in the world.
~~Dorothy Law Nolte, Children Learn What They Live
I am not what I think I am.
I am not what you think I am.
I am what I think you think I am.
~~Aaron Bleiberg & Harry Leubling
Self love, my liege, is not so vile a sin as self-neglecting.
~~Shakespeare, King Henry V
"One day, a man was travelling when his car tyre goes flat on a dark and lonely country road. When he discovers that he doesn't have a jack, he recalls seeing a farm house about a mile back. And so he start to walk there in hopes of borrowing one. While he is walking, he talks to himself about his situation. "Wow, I'm really stranded here. The guy will probably want a few dollars for his jack. Why should he lend it for nothing? Everyone wants to make a few bucks. A few bucks! If I don't get the jack, I'll never get out of here. He'll realise that, and probably want fifteen dollars, maybe twenty-five dollars. Twenty-five dollars? This guy's really got me by the old cashews. He'll ask fifty dollars for sure - maybe a hundred!" Well, he goes on in this way until he reaches the farm house. He knocks at the door. An elderly farmer answers and with a cheerful smile asks, "Is there something I can do for you, young man?" "Do for me? Do for me?" says the man, "I'll tell you what you can do, you can take your goddamn jack and shove it!"................
If in this case, you predict that you will not be lent a jack in a spirit of gracious cooperation, you prepare yourself for the confrontation in such a way that you guarantee the jack will n ot be lent in a spirit of gracious cooperation. Your prediction is transformed into a fact, which then becomes the reality.
~~Neil Postman, Crazy Talk, Stupid Talk
It has become something of a cliche to observe that if we do not love ourselves, we cannot love anyone else. This is true enough, but it is only part of the picture. If we do not love ourselves, it is almost impossible to believe fully that we are loved by someone else. It is almost impossible to accept love. No matter what our partner does to show that he cares, we do not experience the devotion as convincing because we do not feel lovable to ourselves.
~~Nathaniel Branden, The Psychology of Romantic Love
In order to get at any truth about myself, I must have contact with another person. The other is indispensable to my own existence, as well as to my knowledge about myself.
~~Jean Paul Sartre
If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn.
If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight.
If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy.
If a child lives with shame, he learns to feel guilty.
If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient.
If a child lives with encouragement, he learns confidence.
If a child lives with praise, he learns to appreciate.
If a child lives with fairness, he learns justice.
If a child lives with security, he learns to have faith.
If a child lives with approval, he learns to like himself.
If a child live with acceptance and friendship, he learns to find love in the world.
~~Dorothy Law Nolte, Children Learn What They Live
I am not what I think I am.
I am not what you think I am.
I am what I think you think I am.
~~Aaron Bleiberg & Harry Leubling
Self love, my liege, is not so vile a sin as self-neglecting.
~~Shakespeare, King Henry V
"One day, a man was travelling when his car tyre goes flat on a dark and lonely country road. When he discovers that he doesn't have a jack, he recalls seeing a farm house about a mile back. And so he start to walk there in hopes of borrowing one. While he is walking, he talks to himself about his situation. "Wow, I'm really stranded here. The guy will probably want a few dollars for his jack. Why should he lend it for nothing? Everyone wants to make a few bucks. A few bucks! If I don't get the jack, I'll never get out of here. He'll realise that, and probably want fifteen dollars, maybe twenty-five dollars. Twenty-five dollars? This guy's really got me by the old cashews. He'll ask fifty dollars for sure - maybe a hundred!" Well, he goes on in this way until he reaches the farm house. He knocks at the door. An elderly farmer answers and with a cheerful smile asks, "Is there something I can do for you, young man?" "Do for me? Do for me?" says the man, "I'll tell you what you can do, you can take your goddamn jack and shove it!"................
If in this case, you predict that you will not be lent a jack in a spirit of gracious cooperation, you prepare yourself for the confrontation in such a way that you guarantee the jack will n ot be lent in a spirit of gracious cooperation. Your prediction is transformed into a fact, which then becomes the reality.
~~Neil Postman, Crazy Talk, Stupid Talk
Monday, August 07, 2006
love, lust and such
[[You fall in and out of love so easily. Could it be because you often mistake infatuation for the real thing? Resist being impulsive when it comes to love and take your time to know the guy. Your love match: Someone who is patient and can tolerate your erratic behavior.]]
haha, now that was some stuff on friendster to define what kind of love i am. well, i guess i would agree with it more or less. i tend to fall in love pretty easily thinking that every guy i meet and who is interested may be the one. kinda dumb, and ya i know ur thinking naive jess, haiz, but well i've changed. kinda on rocky terms with him right now. i need a break off from the relationship to "reevaluate where we stand" [My Super Ex-Girlfriend]. haha, ya actually i really do need someone who is patient enough to tolerate me and my weirdness. haha, i always think tt there can never be someone who can stand all my crap but i realised everyone feels the same way. but seriously. oh and y are all guys jerks? they're always involved in some form of infidelity in their life. can't they for once use their head up there instead of down there to think? seriously, for once guys.. do something bout tt head taking over all the time. for now, i just wanna be alone for awhile, its really inspiring to sometimes catch up with yourself, it's healthy too. i soo wanna just concentrate on sch n be free to party without having to care bout his worries n all the guilt i feel. freedom is what i want. haha, its funny how the word freedom is the cause of most of life's problems. oh well, we never die as virgins cos life fucks us all.
haha, now that was some stuff on friendster to define what kind of love i am. well, i guess i would agree with it more or less. i tend to fall in love pretty easily thinking that every guy i meet and who is interested may be the one. kinda dumb, and ya i know ur thinking naive jess, haiz, but well i've changed. kinda on rocky terms with him right now. i need a break off from the relationship to "reevaluate where we stand" [My Super Ex-Girlfriend]. haha, ya actually i really do need someone who is patient enough to tolerate me and my weirdness. haha, i always think tt there can never be someone who can stand all my crap but i realised everyone feels the same way. but seriously. oh and y are all guys jerks? they're always involved in some form of infidelity in their life. can't they for once use their head up there instead of down there to think? seriously, for once guys.. do something bout tt head taking over all the time. for now, i just wanna be alone for awhile, its really inspiring to sometimes catch up with yourself, it's healthy too. i soo wanna just concentrate on sch n be free to party without having to care bout his worries n all the guilt i feel. freedom is what i want. haha, its funny how the word freedom is the cause of most of life's problems. oh well, we never die as virgins cos life fucks us all.
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
ambassodor for smiles 2006
i finally learn how to post pictures. haiz, blame me for being non-IT-savvy, yea shoot me. anyways, this is the pic i posted to singapore smiles 2006. its a smile ambassador thingy. n they accepted me! woohoo, if i win, i get a trip for two. quit getting close to me so u can come for the trip cos im going with my mummy, i.e if i win. lol. k go n be mesmerised by my smile, if it makes u cum. wee.
evolution of alcohol
in the past, people usually included alcohol in functions, social gatherings, celebrations and more seen as a guy thing. now, in modern perspective, i must say that more girls get intoxicated on a daily basis compared to guys. y is this need for intoxication? y the thought of drinking the moment u get up? the energies drawn to every wed for ladies nite and the weekend for parties? habit or conditioning? probably both. the theory of conditioning states that we tend to do something repeatedly if there is desired consequences for the behaviour and vice versa. so what is the positive reward tt we get from getting sloshed weekly? some would say its a form of destress, some say to rekindle friendship, some say they love to dance, some just love the alcohol, some want the attention, while some look for a one-nite stand. in a place like cheekies where everyone knows everyone, i think there's pros and cons in tt. on one hand, u can be there alone n almost everyone would greet u and invite u to join their table, plus on yr drunk nites, there are those who make sure ur alright while tt looney guy touching u all over attempts to "bring u home". dream on suckers, its being in a familiar place like cheekies n all yr homies, tt makes u almost never make a mistake, like going home with some f*cked up dick. on the other hand, there's a saying that familiarity breeds danger. wen pple are familiar n comfortable with seeing u weekly, they think they know u n form perceptions bout u, be it false or true. these info spreads like fire throughout the regulars n before u know it, u seem to have too much info for comfort bout some redundant guy or gal, or tt some stranger already knows where u live. tts the bad thing bout familiarity, in clubs esp, cos once u are judged, theres no removing the perception. for e.g, if ur known for coming to the club n leaving with tom, dick and harry respectively on three nights a week, ur termed a slut and u'll remain a labelled slut for the rest of ur god-forsaken lives. haha, tts y, be careful peeps cos u make an impression at every move and there's no changing it once its built up. i've been a regular for seven years at cheekies n i enjoy every nite i spend there. i love the pple working there too n we have become gd frens over the years, tt explains special treatments, free entries, cherries anytime, etc. haha, i love it and it'll always be my homeground.
c u tmrw cheekies. = )
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