all that i feel... "unfaithful"

Story of my life
Searching for the right
But it keeps avoiding me
Sorrow in my soul
Cause it seems that wrong
Really loves my company

He's more than a man
And this is more than love
The reason that the sky is blue
But clouds are rolling in
Because I'm gone again
And to him I just can't be true

And I know that he knows I'm unfaithful
And it kills him inside
To know that I am happy with some other guy
I can see him dying

I don't wanna do this anymore
I don't wanna be the reason why
Everytime I walk out the door
I see him die a little more inside
I don't wanna hurt him anymore
I don't wanna take away his life
I don't wanna be...
A murderer

I feel it in the air
As I'm doing my hair
Preparing for another date
A kiss upon my cheek
As he reluctantly
Asks if I'm gonna be out late

I say I won't be long
Just hanging with the girls
A lie I didn't have to tell
Because we both know
Where I'm about to go
And we know it very well

Cause I know that he knows I'm unfaithful
And it kills him inside
To know that I am happy with some other guy
I can see him dying

I don't wanna do this anymore
I don't wanna be the reason why
Everytime I walk out the door
I see him die a little more inside
I don't wanna hurt him anymore
I don't wanna take away his life
I don't wanna be...
A murderer

Our love, his trust
I might as well take a gun and put it to his head
Get it over with
I don't wanna do this Anymore

I don't wanna do this anymore
I don't wanna be the reason why
And everytime I walk out the door
I see him die a little more inside
And I don't wanna hurt him anymore
I don't wanna take away his life
I don't wanna be...
A murderer.

enough said, all that i am, a murderer.

phenomenal life

today, i held a heaven sent gift. she was the most beautiful baby in her mother's eyes and a bundle of joy she was. it was so phenomenal carrying a life form in my arms as she becomes aware of her surroundings. such innocence in such a sinful world, how ironic. but till then, i hope she is kept safe & with none of life's burdens.

on another note, is the concept of original sin that we all carry from the time we are released from the placenta or was it when conception occured? this original sin marks a distinction between humanity and divinity and is where sin first evolves. its sad but true and inevitable that a baby with no fault already carries the original sin but i guess that's how the world works. the original sin theory evolved from the moment adam and eve satisfied their curiousity and crossed the boundaries and thus woman has to carry the pains of child birth while man has to labour to survive.

another ironic thing is that from the moment birth occurs, death is also celebrated. our birth initiates the journey towards death which is really contradictory. its as if we are born to die, a vicious cycle that is cruel yet a must in life. what's life purpose? there are several perceptions of it. some believe that ultimate satisfaction in terms of material well-being is the basis of life. while others believe as long as they are happy and in good health, they are satisfied. n others believe that life is a test from god of how worthy u are to enjoy heavenly rewards in our afterlife. whatever, it is that u believe, live life to the fullest. live as if every day was your last. we take it for granted that we have another chance to say things to pple we love and do the things we love to do. what we don't realise and comprehend is that life can just end with a snap of the fingers. then it will be too late. how do u want to be remembered? will your memory be carved in people's hearts till the end? i hope u make an impression. that's why, every morning when i wake, i thank god for giving me life and i never fail to say "i love you" to the people i love cos i'll never know when it would be the last.

Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there.
-Josh Billings-

haha, does this apply to guys as well?
hope not. oops, lol.

me, myself and i

alcohol & fags, the vices of life.
how nice, they turn me on.
getting intoxicated brings the life out of me.
otherwise i'm just plain jane.
or am i?

people say i'm wild, am i?
or do i just take a different persona when i'm high.
split-personality some say.
or am i still in search of an identity?

two extremes of characters i am.
a decent, nerdy, motivated geek
and on the other hand, a wild chick.
who am i? is my reality when i'm sober or when i'm high?

in search for myself, trying so hard to define.
i guess i'm both at different realms of time.
i guess i'm versatile, a chameleon in some form,
adjusting to my surroundings just to belong.

who am i? i guess i'll never know.
or maybe i do know and this is what i am.
two extremes, two of me combined in one.
2 souls trapped in a single moment in time?

maybe, maybe not. i just don't know.
maybe nobody can ever be defined?
this is who i am, i respect it and i embrace it.
i have moulded into me.

~i love me, haha. narcissistic self. woo hoo!

move bitch, get out my way, get out my way bitch, get out my way

i've always suppressed my opinions of you but i'm gonna spill it out right here, right now. you've fucking lost my respect or two fucks i gave to you. so here goes. seriously, i can't stand you. there's so many incidents that happened and i tried to push it away, giving u excuses. but u know what, u don't deserve my sympathy. i'm wasting space writing bout u not becos i give a shit which u might think, but rather to state it once n for all. well, today was the fucking breaking point. i mean come on' ur a fucking student for god's sake, what's up with the confrontation to the lecturer whose prob got a masters degree, tt ur so hard trying to get. i mean, seriously get real. i told u, u have to adapt and try to connect to certain pple (esp if they are ur lecturers), otherwise how can u live in the world with all kinds n sorts of pple? n ur reply? hah, i almost slapped u, like really. wat, u saying u will adapt to who u wan, i think thats bull. ur sayin tt u fit into the social work of society n u have what it takes to help, but come on firstly, ur not in the realm of even helping n also, how can u help when u "choose to adapt" to who u wan to. u put someone down today n in my opinion, tt sucks. just cos u had a bad day? fuck u. what did u gain today? self-respect? more like fucked up perceptions of u from ur frens. i never wanted to say all this gal, u evoked my emotions too much that it's laid down to ur face and u know what, deal with it. wat fucking self conflict u have? n saying u've so matured n going thro things tt noone has faced with. come on bitch, do u think ur the only one carrying the burden of life? balls to u. the rest of us just have better self-worth n views to face our probs. don't ask me why i take psychology. u just think "my answer don't fit". well, i guess i proved my point when the lecturer said that literature and psychology goes hand in hand in becoming a good psychologist. get the picture gal? jess always tells me ur jealous of me? r u really? y? cos i have everything u don't? i earned my life and the things i enjoy so don't blame me for having a decent life. n what's this ur saying tt i forced it on him? i cant force anyone to do what he did, u know tt bitch. u like him so much n u cant take it tt he's not reciprocating n u take it out on me? fuck u, blame it on yr weirdness n ur "oh-i'm-so-complicated-n-noone-understands-me" perception. oh n bout the spirits thing, i so believed u thinking tt noone would lie bout something like this(cos i dont see the need to) but frens have confirmed tt its ur way of getting attention. gal, i think tts lame n damn dumb, r u really tt loser? hah, i feel so at ease stating all this point blank. well, i guess tts all i need to express, hope u like my literary skills tt u think nothing of. oh which reminds me, since u're so experienced in social psyche (n it bores u cos ur mind works scientifically) etc, y isnt any of this reflected in yr essays n tests? dont just say la, prove it. ur making urself into nothingness which is prob wat u are anyway. i've lost a fucked up piece of shit which dont even matter in the first place but i've gained my self worth, at the very least.

extinct judgement

FOUR FRIENDS AT A PARTY

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his bestfriend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday"

The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday:A 30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?"The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub." The three friends said: "What a shame.. what a disappointment."

The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.

~haha. never judge i say. cos u tend to forget ur own faults staring at ur face. there's only gonna be one judge ever, god, on judgement day.

no price to life

~this is really inspiring

As I was walking down life's highway many years ago,
I came upon a sign that read Heavens Grocery Store.
When I got a little closer the doors swung open wide
And when I came to myself, I was standing inside.
I saw a host of angels. They were standing everywhere.
One handed me a basket and said "My child, shop with care."
Everything a human needed was in that grocery store
And what you could not carry you could come back for more
First I got some Patience. Love was in that same row.
Further down was Understanding, You need that everywhere you go.
I got a box or two of Wisdom and Faith a bag or two.
And Charity of course I would need some of that too.
I couldn't miss the Holy Ghost It was all over the place.
And then some Strength and Courage to help me run this race.
My basket was getting full but I remembered I needed Grace,
And then I chose Salvation for Salvation was for free
I tried to get enough of that to do for you and me.
Then I started to the counter to pay my grocery bill,
For I thought I had everything to do the Masters will.
As I went up the aisle I saw Prayer and put that in,
For I knew when I stepped outside I would run into sin.
Peace and Joy were plentiful, the last things on the shelf.
Song and Praise were hanging near so I just helped myself.
Then I said to the angel "Now how much do I owe?"
He smiled and said "Just take them everywhere you go."
Again I asked "Really now, How much do I owe?"
"My child" he said, "God paid your bill a long long time ago."

the da vinci code contraversy

pls note:
~the review below is only for those who are matured with an open mind. if u gonna be like "huh" or "wa, she crazy or wat", pls leave cos its obviously not suitable for u.
~this review was written by me, copyright please. references: dan brown, the da vinci code.

i just watched the da vinci code with my mom. we both read dan brown's version in written form and wanted to see it for real. the movie was really phenomenal and brilliant. at every scene, i seem to already see it before while reading.

as a catholic, many would think that it's kinda contradictory for me to be so fascinated with the movie, thus showing my lack of faith or what have you. but i would like to make it clear that even with or without the movie, my faith stays, as u will witness in awhile.

basically, the whole hoo-hah bout the movie which forced catholics n the church to be furious, skeptical and against it, is that it supports the idea that jesus was a married man. the movie suggests that jesus married mary magdalene and at the point of his crucifixion, she was pregnant and later gave birth to a baby gal named sarah. apparently mary lived her life in hiding for fear of getting herself n her child killed if pple found out the blood line of christ is continued. apparently, the priory of sion was a sect that protected her secret and the blood line which followed up till present. whether or not the sect really exists is unknown. or should i say left to ur own perpective.

so apparently, leonardo da vinci was part of the sect and the movie clearly surround his works of art like "the mona lisa", "the venetian man" and "the last supper". focussing on "the last supper", there are loads of shocking findings that were only brought up after dan brown wrote the da vinci code. an example is the image on the right of jesus, seated at the table was drawn rather femininely (small hands, slight bosom, long hair) which was meant to represent mary magdalene. as seen, both "mary" and jesus appear to be joined at the hips and leaning away from each other, thus creating the space between them to form a chalice-like-image. this image was known as the holy grail which was apparently not the cup used at the last supper, but rather the secret of their relationship and her bones. there's many other things to note as well about the painting, here are some -->
1) there were no cups at all on the table even though the conversion from wine to blood occurs here
2)a dagger is seen on the left side of the table protruding out from a hand that does not appear to belong to any of the disciples
3)the "M" letter formed by the image of mary n jesus which could mean either Mary or Marriage.

another point brought up which caught my interest was the topic of transcendence. the story basically suggested that having sex is a good way of reaching to god. apparently, as a man or woman reaches his climax, which is like at least 3-5 seconds, that is the point in which he is able to see god. i know it sounds weird. but if u think about it, its not such a bad idea. u see, for those who experienced climax, im sure u know tt those 3 seconds is something like an out-of-the-world experience, as if time stops for u. for those who still go like "huh, ??", u probably never came before, so yea. basically, the fact that those few secs stop for u, it becomes an avenue where u can actually see god's image in a flash if u convert ur energy appropriately. i know it sounds kinda crude or rude to compare sex with god but think bout it, sex was originally sacred so isn't it also godly then????

many churches are trying to ban the idea this movie suggests. this is cos the idea of the continuum of the bloodline of jesus involves the issue of humanity vs divinity. if jesus is the son of god and therefore god, how can he have decendents like a human? wouldn't that make him not so godly and rather more human? wouldn't the world den be filled with godly humans? this is rather unacceptable to christianity and thus the conflict is around.

personally, even after watching the show n witnessing all the phenomenal suggestions, i keep an open mind and heart. whether the myth or story is true or not, my faith is undeterred. i still believe in jesus, as the son of god. nothing changes. as the movie concludes and i quote, "we believe what we want to" and so here i am, my heart and mind open but my faith always strong.

masculinity

Laura, you're 29% masculine

This is based on how you scored on a variety of traits that, founded on classic research and our own studies, are typically associated with men.You're also 71% feminine, which is based on how you scored on traits that are typically associated with women. When we compare your results with other women it shows that you are somewhat more masculine than other women.But what is gender identity exactly? A person's gender identity is defined by the extent to which they see themselves as masculine or feminine. Every person possesses both masculine and feminine qualities to some degree, however the extent to which each person has these qualities differs widely. While you were taking the test, we calculated your scores in 6 areas typically defined as masculine and 6 areas typically defined as feminine.

damn, i always saw myself as a man. haha.

i'm a steady supporter

Laura, you're a Steady Supporter

Stand by your man — that's just something you naturally do. Once you've committed to a relationship, you are a constant companion who enjoys the comfort and stability that comes from being a couple. Not quick to judge, accuse, or think the worst, you have a lot of trust (in him and in yourself), and you rarely worry about where he is or who he's with.For you, mutual respect is of utmost importance. You are comfortable and confident in your own skin, making you a great pillar of strength in all your relationships. Whether he's striving to climb a mountain or land a promotion, you have his back. Best part is, you know he's got yours too.

woohoo, im a steady supporter. tts not bad. haha bored la so will be putting my survey results up. so fun!

my mum, my best friend

The Story of One-eyed Mother

My mom only had one eye.I hated her... she was such an embarrassment...She cooked for students & teachers...to support the family.There was one occasion during elementary school and my mom came.I was so embarrassed.How could she do this to me?I threw her a hateful look and ran out.

The next day at school..."Your mom only has one eye?!?!"...eeeee said a friend.I wished my mom would just disappear from this world.So I said to my mom,"Mom...Why don't you have the other eye?!If you're only going to make me a laughing stock, why don't you just die?!!!"
My mom did not respond...I guess I felt a little bad, but at the same time, it felt good to think that I had said what I'd wanted to say all this time...Maybe it was! because my mom hadn't punished me,but I didn't think that I had hurt her feelings very badly.

That night...I woke up, and went to the kitchen to get a glass of water.My mom was crying there, so quietly,as if she was afraid that she might wake me.I took a look at her, and then turned away.Because of the thing I had said to her earlier,there was something pinching at me in the corner of my heart.Even so, I hated my mother who was crying out of her one eye.

So I told myself that I would grow up and become successful.Then I studied real hard.I left my mother and went to Singapore to study.Then, I got married.I bought a house of my own. Then I had kids, too...Now I'm living happily as a successful man.I like it here because it's a place that doesn't remind me of my mom.This happiness was getting bigger and bigger, when..."What?! Who's this?!"It was my mother...Still with her one eye.I felt as if the whole sky was falling apart on me.Even my children ran away, scared of my mom's eye.And I asked her, "Who are you?!" "I don't know you!!!"as if trying to make that real.I screamed at her,"How dare you come to my house and scare my children!!"GET OUT OF HERE! NOW!!!"And to this, my mother quietly answered,"Oh, I'm so sorry. I may have gotten the wrong address,"and she disappeared out of sight.Thank goodness...She doesn't recognize me. I was quite relieved. I told myself that I wasn't going to care,Or think about this for the rest of my life.

Then a wave of relief came upon me...One day, a letter regarding a school reunion came to my house in Singapore.So, lying to my wife that I was going on a business trip, I went.After the reunion, I went down to the old shack,that I used to call a house... Just out of curiosity.There, I found my mother fallen on the cold ground.But I did not shed a single tear.She had a piece of paper in her hand....It was a letter to me.

"My son...I think my life has been long enough now...And... I wont visit Singapore
anymore...But would it be too much to ask if I wanted you to come visit me once in a while? I miss you so much..And I was so glad when I heard you were coming for the reunion. But I decided not to go to the school.For you......And.....I'm sorry that I only have one eye, and I was an embarrassment for you.You see, when you were very little, you got into an accident, and lost your eye.As a mom, I couldn't stand watching you having to grow up with only one eye...So I gave you mine...I was so proud of my son that was seeing a whole new world for me, in my place, with that eye.I was never upset at you for anything you did..The couple times that you were angry with me..I thought to myself, 'It's because he loves me..'My son... Oh, my son.. "

i cried when i read this. it is really sad. i love my mom so much n i appreciate the friendship we share. she's my best fren n the bonding is really strong and special. i thank god for such a precious gift. i love u mummy.

to all whose relationship with their mothers are on the rocks, i hope this story has created meaning in your heart. our mothers gave so much for us. do appreciate it n thank her for being a gift to u. before it's too late.

black & white

this is really touching. we are so unaware of such racial discrimination since singapore is a multi-racial society. but i'm sure each of us has faced a racial prejudice somewhere in our lives. i know i have despite being a eurasian. what can i say. manjens suck.

this prayer is real and i know it will touch ur heart like it has mine.

*Black Prayer *

Why Did You Make Me Black Lord .....
Lord ..... Why did you make me black?
Why did you make someone the world would hold back?

Black is the colour of dirty clothes, of grimy hands and feet...
Black is the colour of darkness, of tired beaten streets...
Why did you give me thick lips, a broad nose and kinky hair?
Why did you create someone who receives the hated stare?

Black is the colour of the bruised eye when someone gets hurt...
Black is the colour of darkness, black is the colour of dirt.
Why is my bone structure so thick, my hips and cheeks so high?
Why are my eyes brown, and not the colour of the sky?

Why do people think I'm useless?
How come I feel so used?
Why do people see my skin and think I should be abused?

Lord, I just don't understand...
What is it about my skin?
Why is it some people want to hate me and not know the person within?

Black is what people are "Labelled"when others want to keep them away...
Black is the colour of shadows cast...
Black is the end of the day.

Lord you know my own people mistreat me,and you know this just ain't right...
They don't like my hair, they don't like my skin,as they say I'm too dark or too light!
Lord, don't you think it's time to make a change?
Why don't you redo creation and make everyone the same?

*God's Reply*

Why did I make you black?
Why did I make you black?

I made you in the colour of coal from which beautiful diamonds are formed
I made you in the colour of oil,the black gold which keeps people warm.

Your colour is the same as the rich dark soil that grows the food you need..
Your colour is the same as the black stallion and panther, Oh what majestic creatures indeed!

All colours of the heavenly rainbow can be found throughout every nation..
When all these colours are blended,you become my greatest creation!

Your hair is the texture of lamb's wool,such a beautiful creature is he..
I am the shepherd who watches them,I will ALWAYS watch over thee!

You are the colour of the midnight sky,I put star glitter in your eyes..
There's a beautiful smile hidden behind your pain..
That's why your cheeks are so high!

You are the colour of dark clouds from the hurricanes I create in September..
I made your lips so full and thick,so when you kiss...they will remember!
Your stature is strong,your bone structure thick to withstand the burden of time..
The reflection you see in the mirror,that image that looks back, that is MINE!

So get off your knees,look in the mirror and tell me what you see?
I didn't make you in the image of darkness...
I made you in the image of ME!

soberly high

cool cool, maybe this will be more useful den the frenster one. hmmm, being my first publicised blog entry, what can i say?

still trying to sober up from drinking heavily last nite. totally intoxicated n sloshed, again. like what's new. it's so weird, despite consciously knowing its harmful n all, pple still drink n smoke. its like we're trying to fight death, knowing we can't but still trying anyway.

it's good to be high, like woah n floating all over haha. makes u wonder how come the rest r drunk wen u are the one. its like another world, another perpective. it all comes down to sensation n perception, how convenient. my first essay.

speaking of which, gotta stop procrastinating n finish up the second essay. n also majorly start working out. gotta so lose weight. funny, we're all like succumbed to human nature. oh well.